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Sunday, June 29th, 2008
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10:15 pm - >.
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My recent life actions are selfish and more than likely ruining the lives of many people including myself. I have no idea what im doing or what to do so i selfishly let myself continue, ignoring the important things i absolutely have to face.
Im sorry. I can't say that enough to thoes i need to say it to, but i don't know how.
I don't know what to do.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 5th, 2008
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3:38 am - I must push the disgust out of my eyes, even if the only way is to plung my fingers into them...
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I sit in the dark in a friends house after a night of drinking at 3:38am, catching up on my internetual activities that i have neglected over the last week or so because of work and through the glorious world of livejournal i find myself in the same place stuck deep within my head.
I have no idea what i want
I have no idea what i feel
I just know i want the bad feelings to stop, is that really so much to ask?
on the bright side, work goes well. busy as hell-and-back, but its hella fun.
for thoes who didnt know, i work at the newly open'd Chipotle in Athens. Opening day was today (Fri.)
we broke a Chipotle world record on Thursday (Free Burrito Day). booya.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 24th, 2008
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9:21 am - rant
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How is it that regular photography died and 'built-in-iSight" is the new trend?
Don't get me wrong, i love Mac, and im desperatly saving towards my new iMac. But fuck built-in-iSight, there is a digital camera in my pocket at all times and that is how it ought to be.
(p.s. don't actually fuck the iSight, probably uncomfortable, and i will definatly still be using mine for ITS PURPOSE, that being live stream video chat).
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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1:54 pm
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The more and more i read the Livejournals of others, its seems the more and more i hate myself. Whether its friends abroad in far away lands enjoying and experiencing life at its greatest, or painful memories of self worth i read and read and cannot stop and always come out feeling miserable. it really was a blessing that my mother cancled the internet at home so i am without it. but regardless of the weather i find myself walking the 1.5 miles to the public library where the speed of the internet is directly related to the number of laptops i see arround me to yet again throw myelf into the pools of misery as i read about the exciting and happy lives of others. it doesnt even have to be exciting or happy. even reading about Wendy's miserable days (im sorry you are not having all good days, you are one who deserves them!) makes reach back and want my days at Witt to return.
I guess what this post/rant really boils down to is when it comes to basics, i hate who i am. and it is always the name Rachel that leads me to this conclusion.
I read Wendy's posts of friendship with her, i am miserable because i remember my friendship with her.
I read Rachel's post of how she is worried about boring or scaring or being hurt by anthony, and i a miserable, becaue she never loved me that much, she was never afraid i would hurt her (dont argue, you said it.)
I read Erin's adventures in Paris, which have nothing to do with Rachel except they remind me of her due to Erin being like her best friend. and yet again i am miserable.
and etc.
how can i actively seek a new relationship like this? when i physically experience pain when i think about her with him. when i literally inflict pain upon myself to try and get the images out of my mind. how can i flirt, or hug, or cuddle or kiss anyone when im like this?
i hate myself because that is incredible unfair to whomever i might direct it.
and i am directing it at someone.
im trying to get out of my own head and just live, im happy when im with her, but the moment im not i dive back into the sea of my own thoughts and dwel and drown in them.
the best part: when i do this i can't figure out if i actually have real feelings for her, or if im desperatly seeking physical attention/contact from another person. how can i justify being near her if im like that?
when im not with her i dive into my head and although i cant get her out of my head most of the time, i genuinely can't express the feeling that co-insides. and for that, for the possibility of leading her on into horrible down fall if i ever decide or realize what the hell im trying to feel, i hate myself.
which of course baffles me, because somehow, she likes me so much...
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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11:16 pm - 'Car'ma
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Whilst traveling west bound on US-33, i recently flipped my brothers car.
I was traveling at what i thought was a safe pace, hit snow/slush/ice and spun arround, traveld backwards, slid into the embankment and toppled over on to the to top of the car, then came to a stop. Unbuckling my seatbelt and falling to the top of the car was difficult, but amusing. It was my brothers car, i was actually on my way to columbus to return it to him then travel to springfield to sell my own broken down car, then return home. my brother's car is now going to be totaled (probably). The day in question was also his birthday. best story ever?
I was relatively unharmed, bumped my head a bit, doctor says i'm fine. headaches is all i gots.
Seat belt saved my life, everyone learn from that if you arn't avid seatbelt wearers.
i'll post pictures when i remember to find my camera connection cord.
I also made the front page of the Athens Messanger.
Im going to buy a bike.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 21st, 2008
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10:13 pm - p.p.s. it has just come to my attention...
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if you combine both of Wendy's previous livejournal personas, she wins out over all on the commenting on my life.
Wendy is teh loves.
that is all.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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7:30 pm - p.s. i just wanted to see how pathetically low these numbers were
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( Who comments the most on this journal? )
And i was right. The winner, my ex-girlfriend, the one person i want to comment but wont anymore. probably cause i want her to comment as my girlfriend.
this is no shot against you guys, but i kinda wish people cared more.
maybe i just need to post more.
or maybe everyone is just as sick of my depression, hence sick of me, as i am.
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(comment on this)
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6:15 pm - rememberance
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i just realized that "Happy what would have been" was yesterday and i forgot.
i cant tell if forgetting is a good sign because im too blinded by the extreme pain of remembering now.
i also just now remembered that while chaperoning a middle school dance (and imediatly getting drunk afterwards) Liz mentioned something about Alexander school systems and in my normal fasion responded with "i'll Alec your xander". which instantaniously made me really really sad. because Rudi was, and is the only person to ever call me Xander. and i now realize that i really really liked it.
the only thing i can wish for now, apparently, is that Rudi can become a person i can be friends with. and if so, she does it soon.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2008
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7:19 pm - internet addiction
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Im tired of checking my email every 20 minutes just to be further dissapointed my the lack of new emails.
...being happy must be busy.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
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6:29 pm - p.s.
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my first student-loan bill is due the same day that would have been Rachel and I's two year aniversairy.
..aweseome.
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(comment on this)
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2:57 am - Random thoughts on the past couple of days...
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Can't figure out whats wrong with my car, or even if their is anything wrong.
Work is work, meh, not good, not bad.
I can't decide if hearing Rachel's voice stung, or if it was the way she talked, like the tone, so devoid of love, or, as expected, a way in which it was just normal, like we (of course) arn't together. (which is the first time ive heard this).
Wish i could play WoW more often/at home.
Trying to find something to do at home other than sleep. I read alot now. I should probably draw...
Officially decided to probably name my car Rudi. (nicknamed BeekooBeekoo). for a variety or reasons, like Rudi Johnson on the bengals it keeps on truckin' through injury and old age to perform. I love it more than most things but it constantly lets me down or fails to reach expectations, leaving me angry, sad, broken, confused, and frustrated all at the same time. She went with me to fetch it, resulting in a fun, meaningful trip across the country that sadly feels like its lost value so this is a way to remember how it was. The main reason is probably because im a self-tourchering masocist who just 'loves the pain' im in. but Rudi it is.
now its 3am and i have to be at work at 8.
Sleep time now
probably sleep time after work.
i cant wait for my existence to mean something...
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 4th, 2008
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8:44 pm - FUCK EVERYTHING
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Apparently i wasnt miserable enough. Sure i had my heart crushed, motivation zapped, and i have to live day by day watching my exgirlfriend, whom i am still in love with, get happier and happier in her new relationship with the scum of the earth.
but i got a job, and it was decided that i was gonna go up to Witt for the weekend, visit the old stomping ground with Kit and any others who might have been back from break. A chance for me to finally actually have a good weekend. a happy weekend.
but oh how the Fates cant allow that
i got an hour away from Athens when i noticed my checkoil light flickering. i stopped to check, and low and behold my dipstick reads basically no oil. which comes as a surprise to me, who on monday just got my car back from the shop where they were set to FIX the oil leak in my car.
no matter what i do
no matter what i try
i always end up being an unreliable friend and a giant dissapointment to anyone arround me.
and i just cant seem to be happy.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
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5:31 pm - Day 2
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packing college texts in boxes all day makes me miss school, alot. especially when a frick-load of them are religion books.
current music: It Hurst To See You Dance So Well - Pipettes
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(comment on this)
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6:49 am - Worries
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I got off of work yesterday at 4:30pm. got home at about 4:45pm. after interneting for a bit i decided to take a nap, so i was asleep at about 5:15pm.
i woke up at 6:45am.
i hope that doesnt happen everyday.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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5:03 pm - Not-so-good realization...
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I thought that work would be a pleasant distraction. give me something to do, get paid for it, get my mind off things. Welll i guess thats partially true, as i am getting paid, and while im there its captivated my mind.
but when i come home to my own personal reality my mind settles back to things i really wish i could ignore the only thing thats different is now im exhausted.
everything about me is a horrible mess.
p.s. i guess a good point is that the music playing on the boombox at work was the Guitar Hero 2 soundtrack, although that just makes me desperatly miss the game more.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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12:28 pm - Heisei 20
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If anyone who reads this sent me a text last night let me know, my phone decided that my memory was full even tho i emptied it and so it wouldnt allow me to recieve texts, so sorry i missed it.
As we enter the 20th year of the Heisei era (2008, japanese style) i guess its that time for resolutions?
• draw
• alot
others would/should be things like being happy, stop being addicted to the internet, get over the things i should get over.
but i know i can't follow through with thoes.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2007
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7:19 pm - Maybe
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Maybe if i wasn't addicted to the internet i wouldn't constantly be in pain.
and even knowing that i know i can't and won't stop.
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(comment on this)
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12:14 am
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ikiru imi tsumaranka? ikiru imi tsumaranka?
ikiru imi tsumaranka? ningen
ikiru imi tsumaranka? ikiru imi tsumaranka?
ikiru imi tsumaranka? ningen | Are you bored with your life? Are you bored with your life?
Are you bored with your life? Human
Are you bored with your life? Are you bored with your life?
Are you bored with your life? Human
| hora biribiri okorasuka? biribiri okorasuka?
biribiri okorasuka? ningen
hora biribiri okorasuka? biribiri okorasuka?
biribiri okorasuka? ningen | Hey! You gonna piss me off? Make me tremble with rage?
Make me tremble with rage? Human
Hey! You gonna piss me off? Make me tremble with rage?
Make me tremble with rage? Human
| WHAT'S UP huanzai ippai
hanzai kienai towani
WHAT'S UP huanzai ippai
(uramini wana dare DOWN?)
WHAT'S UP huanzai ippai
hanzai kienai towani
WHAT'S UP huanzai ippai | WHAT'S UP, So much ground for the concern
The guilt never fades
WHAT'S UP, So much ground for the concern
(Who fell down the trap of resentment?)
WHAT'S UP, So much ground for the concern
The guilt never fades
WHAT'S UP, So much ground for the concern
| HEY HEY ningensanka ai nige ningen huanka?
HEY HEY ningensanka ai nige ningen huanka?
HEY HEY ningensanka ai nige ningen huanka?
HEY HEY ningensanka ai nige ningen huanka?
HEY HEY ningensanka Hey Hey! ningenhuankan
HEY HEY ningensanka onorera eien ningenhuankan
ah ningen... | HEY HEY human sucker ah human, human fucker
HEY HEY human sucker ah human, human fucker
HEY HEY human sucker ah human, human fucker
HEY HEY human sucker ah human, human fucker
HEY HEY human sucker HEY HEY human fucker
HEY HEY human sucker You guys forever human fucker
Ah human |
current music: What's Up People!? - Maximum Hormone
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 28th, 2007
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11:31 am - Do dreams really mean anything? or ar they there for false hope?
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Full moon sways
Gently in the night of one fine day
On my way
Looking for a moment with my dear
Full moon waves
Slowly on the surface of the lake
You are there
Smiling in my arms for all those years
current music: Moon on the Water - Tanaka Koyuki & Minami Maho (orig. THE BEAT CRUSADERS)
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 26th, 2007
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12:52 pm - Settling back into depression
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I thought things were getting better, easier, lighter..
i guess i was wrong.
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(comment on this)
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